The things you'll never know
by SkyFireDragon13
Summary: A mother would do anything for her baby, even lose her soul.


A/N: Yeah, um...no reflection on myself, here...so don't lock me up, OK? This poem just kind of wrote itself while I was watching the show. Fifty useless bonus points if you can guess which episode it came from.

The things you'll never know

you lie there sleeping,  
with such innocence in your eyes  
eyes softly covered  
and fringed by long dark lashes  
So much like your father.  
  
I close your door  
and blink  
no tears left in me now to fall  
eyes so dry  
so cold  
I let you see me crying  
sob when he was put away  
I never let you see  
the tears those other days  
  
So many things, my son  
so much you'll never know  
Not the least of which  
is how pleased I was to see him go.  
  
I shudder now  
at the thought you'd ever see  
I've got so much darkness  
locked up inside of me.  
  
the hate  
and the fear  
hate for him--  
and fear at what I'd do  
I wanted to spare you this, so bad.  
you never saw  
the blood I washed off my hands.  
All those times I left,  
late at night  
you never knew.  
all those times I went away  
I just wanted some time to myself!  
  
the first one,  
it caught me by sheer surprise.  
He slandered your name my baby  
it was the last he'd ever know  
so much rage  
I thought it all was safe  
with none but me to touch it  
hidden deep behind my face.  
the blood was too much to count.  
but I couldn't get enough.  
  
I laughed as you  
held my hand  
pulling me along  
so proud to show me your caterpillar  
would be a butterfly before too long.  
I loved you then  
and the way the sun played through your hair  
your lovely red t-shirt bringing a sparkle to your eye  
oh! red.....so much red my baby!  
so much blood....  
What had I done? What had I done?!  
  
never mind, my darling  
you're safe now  
he'll never tease u again.  
why had he been out so late anyway?  
you'll never know that thought  
so innocent...he hit you and still--  
you cried when he was gone.  
I swore never to spill blood again.  
you deserved so much more than that, after all....  
  
And then...you saw the blood.  
my blood. spilling forth onto the floor.  
crying like you were the one dying  
you couldn't understand.  
Later on I said  
I had been cutting watermelon  
an accident, nothing more.  
an accident? How could it have been?  
to miss, and cut myself--like that!-- instead?  
you believed me.  
you held me close and said my name.  
Promising all would be alright.  
and it was.  
I made sure of it,  
for you.  
I would never let you down.  
  
The next ones were all a blur  
flashing smear in my mind  
piercing screams  
and wordless cries  
but not from them.  
I felt the pressure in my head  
felt it call my name.  
I took them down  
and saw only red--  
ever, all around....  
the screaming stopped then  
it always does  
and by morning the blood was gone  
washed away in the night.  
  
My baby, my baby, my baby...  
you should never hear of this  
to see what I have done  
I tried so hard to stop it!  
Truly now, I did.  
but as night came on  
I felt it come again  
this pressure in my head  
and the screaming was  
--a constant rhythm in my brain--  
it seemed  
  
oh my darling child  
sweet dreams, my only one.  
All I ever loved was you  
For you, I'd keep my mind  
from coming all undone.  
For you, I would be sane  
Just your Average Mom  
laughing at your play-games  
shushing your crying if you should fall  
butterfly kisses  
raspberry lips  
blue fingerprints now smeared across my wall  
my scolding stopped short  
"I love u mommy" scrawled in loopy blue letters  
proudly proclaiming your trust in me  
that I can do no wrong  
not in your eyes.  
  
and him...the man you call your father  
he tried to take my name  
I was mom! Not him!  
Absent for all your firsts, in all your life  
first step, first word,  
and now he buys you back to him  
sugar and loving words.  
wanted you to choose him.  
  
he held your heart, my child  
I know he did  
I saw the way your eyes teared up  
as he left the house that day  
telling you he'd not return  
and looking hard at me  
as if I were the one to blame!  
He made you cry my baby  
I made him bleed.  
he bled for all those hours  
I wasted of my life  
wishing he was home.  
he bled for all the times  
he first cherished,  
then crushed my hopes and dreams  
and he bled for you  
his heart! he bled his heart for you.  
and I saw red.  
  
So sleep tight, my dearest,  
the morning soon shall dawn  
and all these words I cannot say  
will keep you safe from harm

I love you, darling,  
precious, innocent one.  
I brush your hair back  
and stroke your neck  
and leave, still softly humming your song.  
I leave, so quietly,  
and wash my hands clean of red upon my late night return.

A/N: Did you like it? You can review and tell me. (grins) Flames will be shot back in the direction of the sender. I picked an obscure episode to get inspired about. My friend Anica couldn't guess. Well, anyway...thanks for reading; please review!


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